Absolutely No Place Like It

One cold day in December, DSTS harrumphed and proclaimed, “By George, Jillybean, dark sister of Dune, forsooth thine and mine non-refundable ticket left for this moon.  Shouldst we tarry and hie ourselves home?”  It’s the end of the year and we’re behind quota but what the heck, most everyone else were going away, anyway.  Insanity must be catching.  So I agreed… we shouldst.

Alas, the flight home did not end with me going home directly to my toasty nooks in the Tobacco House of lupang tinubuan, the better to take care of leftover work.  Going home went about several days later, and after those several days we still needed to check in between for stuff and more stuff.  Manila’s not the best option but there we were.  It’s noisy, it’s loaded with annoying strangers who may mug you, but it’s been like a second home since I was three years old.  And until I leave for Poor, Poor Village again, I am happy.  In my own way.  Really. 

Work cleaved to us for the first for days — there were these assessments, and e-mail, and visa, and catalog, and style guide, and durnit, can’t I just leave these and not worry about getting sacked in January.  There went the teeniest chance to see the Goblet Of Fire film in which they removed Winky, Dobby, and Rita Skeeter in a jar.

That Metro Manila Film Festival is a sneaky thing.  You know what happened to ensure I do not ignore it?  They have Mulawin the Movie.  It’s a sequel thingie where Aguiluz and Alwina somehow get separated again.  Now we see a scene with Alwina waking up in… Lireo!  Why, that’s semi-wimpy Amihan!  And Pirena is still EBIL!  GAWD!  Now I have to think about moving with the throng just because my campy favorites have parts in that movie. 

Because of all the work since the episode where Danaya turned into a rat, I missed the rest of Encantadia.  But I am satisfied with the ending helpfully narrated by Dozer_021 in which Pirena returns to take her place with her sisters after getting Imaw’s staff (dirty!) to see the truth behind all the, er… paglilinlangs.  The best part was all those annoying Starstruck characters DIED!  Including Lira!  Mua-ha-ha!  And now Danaya gets to become queen and even Pirena agrees.  So there.

Not to disappoint me for ending may favorite best-dressed objects of snark, we’re now presented with a prequel-sequel called Etheria.  The writers are now mining the He-Man/She-ra compendium.  Etheria revolves around Cassiopeia’s prediction when she was a teen that when the last sanggre is born, a previously defeated, warlike race called Etherians will come back to defeat the peaceful fairies (who propagated the age of Encantadia).  Which is a hoot, because Lira died, she didn’t have a kid at all.  But Cassiopeia must’ve heard about Dolly and took a hair from Lira to clone the last sanggre.  Isn’t that like, cheating, just because you foretold the key was the last sanggre and she died?  And the actor who played the younger Cassiopeia speaks straight Tagalog.  Beats me how she grew up to have Cindy Kurleto’s accent.  Wha-… Cassiopeia is the half sister of Queen Dawn!  And Queen Dawn was half-Etherian!  Queen Dawn’s name is Mine-a!  But Cassiopeia is the rightful Queen!  The first!  And Mine-a will be the Second!  Okay, that makes Amihan just the third and Danaya the fourth.  Empire’s kinda young, and its future might be handed over to a clone from Lira’s hair?  Which is played by that pretty Starstruck kid who plays creepy characters on movies and TV shows.  And there’s a Sex Bomb dancer modeled after the legend of Atlanta!  Just my luck… costumes still look great.  How the heck can I subaybay this series, hum?

My family and DSTS’s mom are fans of Jewel In The Palace.  It’s a TV Koreanovela that was popular in most Asia based on a historical character who was revered as a female physician.  But she started off as a great royal cook.  I watched it and it is interesting… kind of like a cross between MacGyver, Eat Drink Man Woman, Knots Landing, and a chapter of world history.

Speaking of food, I already had relleno, ice cream cake, bibingka, and sisig.  Here’s to getting some more.

Also attended a couple of family gatherings and a wedding of two friends who’ve been together since college graduation.  The traffic was horrible (we didn’t make the ceremony after spending a couple of hours on just two main intersecting avenues), but Bai and Yayis, you guys looked great.  Tata, Em, and Dony… where were you guys? 

Dynamic Noyce introduces a new guy who seems nice.  Hoping for the best, girl, I think he’s okay.  Intrepid Cath’s just as frustrated as I am on the guy-being-dependent-on-the-girl-for-directions-when-they’re-together-and-driving thing.  I hope to try and squeeze in more get togethers with friends if I can, I really miss talking with y’all while I’m stuck over there.  Believe me… only you guys understand that my semi-autism is not such a bad thing.  Sorry, you get no prize.  ‘Cause we’re tight.  Aight?  Getting into the spirit of the holidays, I hope we’re still rocking even when Friendster becomes holographic. 

DSTS is The Punisher on his birthday.  I’m just saying, it’s fine to help other people, but don’t push it, man.  As of today, cruising is off-limits (watched some CSI lately?).

Finally rewrote the blog entry, I Did, which disappeared about two months ago for who knows why.  Not the same as the original, but there you go.  Some Friendster-endorsed blog writers talk of the same thing happening in their blogs.  Anybody osmosising and fixing this yet or do we resort to propagating bulletin chain letters in faux Latin, just lemme know.

I guess in spite of everything I do NOT welcome to be with me on this vacation but do tolerate out of what goodness that’s left in my heart… it’s really great to be home in December.

Desperately Seeking Susan And Co.

First off, whining in pallilogical rhetoric:  Busy, busy, busy.  Nuts, nuts, nuts.  Boring, boring, boring.  Rats, rats, rats.

Beyonce should approve.

Okay, so much for work… let’s talk of other things. You know, it’s kind of strange when one of the reasons I chose the course that be, aside from having one or two applicable skills to fuss around with, was because many a TV and radio commercial kind of stuck in my head during my childhood and I was so much interested in learning how these things twisted things so much that they sounded… right.  TV and radio sell, and still sell very well.  Unfortunately, after making that choice for higher education, there were more and more time for work and less and less time for TV and radio, so how’s that for divine comedy. 

And no wonder I’m now stuck in this village.  Still, hats off to those unforgettable commercials of yore such as the Italian-flavored commercials for Del Monte tomato sauce (“Preferred by mothers” and “Godfather”), the ultra-fast-talking mustached guy for Matchbox Micromachines, Rod Navarro for 680 Home Appliances, that bald Chinese kid who was learning to cook with Marca Pina soy sauce, the crazy, crazy Habba-Habba ballpens, and of course, the creative Ajino-Moto ads post tak-tak-tak days — “Dito sa France, ang ubas (ooh-bah), la fermentation, voila!  Ah-lac!” — to name a few. You remain the muses in these trying times dominated by Tolitses and Lumens. 

*****

Cable TV’s been busted for more than a month now, and I relied much reportage from Dozer 21.  So, um… character developments in Encantadia can just chill for a while there.  I’ve heard they carted off Muyak for Nancy Castiglione’s recent bad behavior, and like, Nancy, you moron.  How will we do without your kakaibang alulong? 

And Mila… Lira… whatever your name is?  You’re such a lame fairy who can’t even hold up a sword properly.  You’ve got your mother’s misplaced naivete and common sense, your amnesiac aunt’s merciless singing mutant powers, too little of your other aunt’s chutzpah or 100% ergonomic fatigues, and none your evil aunt’s Machiavellian philosophy (electrocuting rivals’ ovaries… whatever happened to good old fashioned stabbing?).  And that’s a wonky choice for the great love of your life.  I’ll never add you to my deck of Imaginary EngCards — to date I’ve decided to keep Matutinanical Muyak, Galadriel-Wannabe Mata, Ziggy Stardust Haggorn (not Haggard pala), Annie Lennox Agane, Despotic Pirena, Bruja-Beating Danaya, The Artist Formerly Known As Inaqui, Magical Warrior Waks (sorry, forgot his name), Tumbling Action Apek, Wishy-Washy Amihan, and Three-Fingered Imaw (dirty!).  Y’all, Danaya is so cool.  She now turns into a rat during espionage exercises.  Check out more on these crazy, mega-emoting fairies here.

*****

Gilmore Girls just wrapped up its fifth season with Lorelai asking Luke to marry her and Rory throwing caution and all sense of pride to the winds when it comes to relationships.  Oh, and she’s realized she isn’t Christiana Amanpour material because her sort-of-boyfriend for the moment Logan fixed her internship with his father who’s a big shot newspaper publisher who told her so… and she kind of isn’t, really? So she proceeded to drop out of her Yale course to move into Richard and Emily’s poolhouse. 

You know, I miss the days when Rory was a girl with her own mind who just happens to be a bit nerdy but cool with it, had good taste in music, and was sensitive to her equally interesting nerdy best friend.  She matched wits with the Paris Posse at Chilton, read Gore Vidal, Dickens, and Tolstoy during bus rides, and had Dean for her boyfriend before she dumped him for Jess that Dean just had to get married to Lindsay so Rory just had to have an affair with him for her first time at the end of Season 4.  Amy Sherman-Palladino, I know you’re exploring just how messed up Rory can be, but geez.  Isn’t this a little bit too Aaron Spelling for Stars Hollow?  But I’ll take this Rory crap over Lucy’s woes at 7th Heaven anytime.

And I still feel for Paris… you guys could do so much better for this character!  I want Portuguese nanny and her life coach!  And what’s with setting Paris with a Humbert Humbert Cassanova whom you eventually wrote off into a fatal myocardial infarction in Season 4?  And now she’s paired with Doyle?  Come on!  Bring back Jamie or Tristan… One Tree Hill is so overrated, anyway.

I’ve been haunting the shops every couple of months since I got here and still no Gilmore Girls.  I spy Frasier, Friends, E.R., all the CSI titles, 24, Will And Grace, The Sopranos, The O.C., Smallville, The Adventures of Lois and Clark.  Seeing Desperate Housewives now, maybe I’ll just have to accept the China market just isn’t interested in Stars Hollow.  All that wonderful pop culture references must’ve been too much for the Chinese subtitle specialists to process, which I think is a similar thing why I don’t see any Star Trek titles as well.  Anyway, hope luck holds for Lorelais and Palladinos, see you next season.

*****

Speaking of the Desperates, I’ve snapped up the package in one secret store recently revealed by Check (hey, I am so far away from Utopia as I know it, I take what cheaper candy is available. And no regrets, too, so there), and proceeded to go through the the discs.  I now see what the all the fuss was about. 

Desperate Housewives is like a pizza pie of Twin Peaks suspense before they infused it with the demon-possessed Leland Palmer thing, some of Northern Exposure‘s humor… and some of Ally McBealisms for Teri Hatcher’s character, Susan Mayer.  Susan’s a single mom who’s a bit of a ditz — things aren’t helped much when it’s revealed she used to be a cheerleader — who’s trying to raise a daughter barely out of her tweens.  Her ex-husband left her for his secretary and now she’s putting the moves on Mike, a new neighbor.  Personally, Susan would’ve been an extremely annoying character, but she’s sympathetically portrayed by Hatcher, so you’d kinda want to root for her meddling and none- too-subtle manhunting.  And look at those jeans — could you believe this woman’s in her early 40s!  It’s like she looks better now than when  she did guest thingies as another ditzy character, Penny with the kewpie voice, in MacGyver two decades ago.  Life.  Not.  Fair. 

Squeeze in a TV flashback circa this era, I so loved the Quantum Leap episode in which Teri starred as the college-age Donna, Dr. Sam Beckett’s (Scott Bakula) future wife.  Donna had her doubts and personal demons when she was young.  Sam “leaped” into her professor, and the dilemma was that if Sam-as-professor helped Donna overcome her trauma then, she’ll be able move on with life as a healthy young woman  in her prime should.  The problem was Sam partly did not want her to move on at this stage in her life because soon after she’ll meet the boyfriend before Sam.  With her issues resolved, and since this first guy was okay, it is possible she’ll end up with him and Sam will probably never meet her in his normal life’s timeline.  Sam chooses her happiness, leaving his to chance.  Of course, it’s been revealed in a much later episode that Donna (no longer played by Teri Hatcher) found her way to Sam after all, and she’s been the one who asked Al (Dean Stockwell) to watch over Sam while the leaping continues.  I do miss Quantum Leap.

Anyway.  In her pursuit of hunky Mike Delfino (Jim Denton), Susan comes into head-on collision with Wisteria Lane’s infamous gay divorcee, Edie Britt.  Okay… kids who are born post-1982?  Gay in this expression means happy.  Because Edie eats men for breakfast, lunch, and dinner!  Nicolette Sheridan likes wearing shocking Barbie doll pink, as I’ve seen on the Oprah rerun.  Man, nothing like pink emphasizes the botox and all that stretched skin.  Quite an update on the good old days when I was nine years old and watched the then fresh-looking Paige Matheson working her wiles and other things on the old guy (ew) in Knots Landing for the first time, and without parental guidance.  Regardless that I can probably parlay the two actors who play Susan and Edie somehow in a bout of 6 degrees of Kevin Bacon — Teri was in Michael Bolton’s Missing You Now video, and Michael used to date Nicolette — Nicolette Sheridan’s one of the cast members who belong to the Teri Snub Club. 

Susan’s part of an unoffical suburban housewives club who play poker every Tuesday.  There’s Lynnette Scavo (Felicity Huffman), who used to rule in advertising before she got saddled by four kids in a span of three years.  I’d like this character enough if she weren’t such a pushover and didn’t look like Pauly Shore on crack much.  But then primetime characters are supposed to be really flawed, right?  Otherwise, what’s the point ot watching?  Lynnette’s married to Tom, played by Melrose Place alum Doug Savant … Doug plays the goofy, lovable, and slightly not-up-to-par ad hustling exec of a husband with a nice touch.  In real life, Felicity is Mrs. William H. Macy.

The gang is not complete without the resident Mary Kay Letourneau:  Gabrielle Solis (Eva Longoria) is trophy wife to Carlos the macho wheeler dealer; she used to walk the runways of Milan, New York… never mind Gabrielle is the shortest one of all the Desperates, and Teri Hatcher is 5’6″… whatever happened to Eileen Ford’s good, old fashioned standards?  By the way, Eva Longoria resembles a vertically challenged Charisma Carpenter during Buffy’s first season when Cordelia was thin and doing the Heathers thing.  Gabrielle longs for the old days when Carlos did every damn thing crooned by Boyz II Men, but now he just treats her like his property since he’s a typical Latino and is busy working and all… so Gabby does the only logical thing in this situation, which was turning to the arms of her teenage gardener, John — which brings to mind a comparatively recent, hair-raising ad campaign for a brandy, “Nakatikim ka na ba ng kinse anyos?”

Of course, my favorite by far is Marcia Cross, another Melrose Place veteran… I think the Melrose Place partner-swapping club members will forever hold a special place in my heart no matter how much trashy values my aunt warned I was absorbing and how do-away-able some characters were (Josie Bissett’s Jane Mancini, and sadly, yes… Doug Savant’s token gay guy Matt Fielding, who always gets either dumped or beaten up by his lovers.  Always.).  Everybody, that is, except Daphne Zuniga and the other Vanessa Williams with the middle initial, who left soon after Amy Locane’s Sandy did, only I didn’t miss her as much as I did Amy because Sandy’s bimbo was just perfect for Jake’s himbo.  Maybe Daphne and Vanessa just hadn’t had much of the camp factor for me.

As desperate Bree Van De Kamp, Marcia is a Martha Stewart-y kind of a Stepford wife clone who used to be a Young Republican (that big portrait of Reagan in the living room was a HOOT!) who married a doctor.  She indulges culture activities with a loony pharmacist.  Watching her do nutcases is such a treat. I recall fond memories of the classic lovelorn wacko Dr. Kimberly Shaw wielding sex, knives, guns, wigs, and? Blowing up Melrose Place for the love of Dr. Michael.  And Marcia Cross is just as amazing playing anal-retentive, obsessive-compulsive Bree, who’s considered the most perfect housewife in the neighborhood on the outside.  Within the Van De Kamp household, control unravels, and Bree alienates her husband and children.

Weaving these Desperates’ stories together for each episode is Mary Alice Young, the Desperate who moved on to the next plane by shooting herself in the head at the beginning of the series.  Her death sparks questions from the residents in quiet Wisteria Lane as never before, and part of the suspense is thinking about who’s desperate enough to follow her footsteps. Mary Alice Young is the all-seeing, all-knowing eye for TV viewers.  I wish they’d call in the Micromachines guy and coach her some… but maybe this speech effect is there to play up the fact that her character’s dead and therefore detached from everything. 

Brenda Strong is probably the best known extra in Hollywood; I remember her as the token girlfriend role in Scorch, a comedy circa late 80s or was that early 90s.  More recently she’s the Chilton Booster who flirted with Luke on the first season of Gilmore Girls.  She was also one of Bailey’s girlfriends in Party Of Five, and Brenda looked too old for Scott Wolf, by the way.  Not that I cared much… because the Salinger I had the hots for was Charlie!  With the beard. ‘Cause love notwithstanding, he looked iffy with a naked chin.  Oh, yeah, Brenda was also in Twin Peaks as the kinky strangler, Spaceballs as the Nurse, The Craft as the doctor.  That’s it, no more Brenda Strong recall.

Anyway, for the season ender/cliffhanger, the Desperate Housewives writers revealed how the chopped up body in the toy chest came to be, and killed off Rex, Bree’s husband, just when I was beginning to really root for him and Bree to work their marriage out. How could you guys give Rex the axe?  Is Steven Culp a diva, too, and he messed with Teri Hatcher, bigger time?  But hey, you didn’t actually show Rex die.  Bree was merely called by the doctor when she went home to work off the tension by polishing Aunt Fern’s silverware like mad.  Can’t you guys do a Dana for Rex?    Bree’s final scene, breaking down braced on the dining table, in addition to every other scene with Bree?  I so holler for Marcia to get an Emmy for this role. 

Teri Hatcher has gleaned the evil eye of most co-stars, which became apparent to the public starting with the Vanity Fair photo shoot.  But I wonder if it’s true, it could be just a publicity thing.  I mean, no matter how you spin it, Teri hands down gets the bigger slice of pie on fans, men and women — a flawless looking woman playing a semi-dimbulb gets people all the time. 

What happened was, ABC Network’s rep left instructions to NOT allow Teri get to the wardrobe room and choose her outfit first, but she did, and the red was most flattering for her coloring.  And he also left instructions NOT to pose Teri front and center during the photo shoot, but she did. Casually, sidled to center during the shoot.  And Marcia noticed.  So Marcia, being another diva, freaked out and ran off to drag the rep back into the shoot to make sure Teri stays off center.  Final print:  look at the picture.  It’s a fold-out magazine cover, and the fold is between Nicolette and Marcia.  Now, with the cover folded, who’s the dominant poser, hum?  Hum?  Did the network mess up with their minds without their knowledge so everything will fall in place despite the hissy fits?  Or were the ladies conscious of this and was that just a farce set to feed the collective imagination of the US masa?  Who knows… but from a money-making point of view?  Them handlers shore know how to handle ‘em greens an’ buffalo an’ lil’ fillies, yep.

The reason why the three keep a common view is because Teri may really be a bitch… but maybe she just comes to work early?  On the other hand, Eva, Nic, and Marcia look equally capable of the bitchiness, and is this a case of divide and conquer egged on by the green monster.  Nope, no bad vibes recorded from Felicity Huffman, who seems like she has a better sense of humor about this than the others.  Then again there are the pictures that show everyone having fun during that shoot. 

Anyway, I just want to watch the show and be entertained.  I say, bitch on, ladies. 

See?  The roster of characters alone should convince anyone to look out for this show.  I just hope the cast don’t get into too serious a catfight to break up the cast by second season.  And I want Rex alive!  ALIVE!  Mary Alice, you better have a good story explaining this when y’all come back.

Home For The Fairy Tales

You know what they said about your wedding being the best day of your life?  Let me enlighten the uninitiated.  It couldn’t be that good.  That idea is an illusion.  The reality is it’s the sum of days of shameless haggling and meeting with people who drain you of funds for things you get to please other people.  I can only imagine it will be a day of pure stress.  I mean, the bill for the caterers?  I could get a whole library for the same amount.  Maybe several pairs of Jimmy Choo shoes.  Of course, if you’re filthy rich with plenty to throw out to mercenary highwaymen called planners, then yes, your wedding may indeed be the best day of your life.

Don’t even get me started on the people at the churches and city hall.

And so, for the moment, I embrace the mass practice of, erm… escaping the harsh world that is reality.  Filipinos are at a crossroad about who they really are.   Many don’t know how to deal with all the crap, and so they turn to the fantaseryes so in vogue today.  Mulawin is done, and now we have half of its cast in Darna.  There’s also this one called Spirits at Channel 2… but I’m more of a Channel 7 person when I need to immerse into this kind of thing.  So, here’s this new telefantasya entitled Encantadia, an offshoot from Mulawin about a bunch of warring fairy sisters bent on absolute domination of the kingdom of fairies.  No, I am not kidding. 

I have to say I like the costumes. 

See, Dawn Zulueta is the queen of the fairies in Encantadia, and Lireo is like their Emerald City.  She had these four daughters, the sanggres, with different guys… maybe because as the Inang Reyna, she cannot marry.  We have to wait for the explanation.  Amihan (air elemental) was fathered by Rakeem, played by Richard Gomez.  Rakeem was a warrior who ran off with his kid to earth for her safety, and he flashes this Men In Black kind of wand to anybody who sees weird stuff from them, particularly Amihan, as she can turn to smoke, create gusts of wind and all that.  In his spare time he writes a funky kind of phonetics and teaches Amihan the ways of the sword.  He advises Amihan of the wisdom of staying out of school.  Lesson One to the masses:  letting a kid handle the sword is okay, but playing ball in the village school with the village schoolchildren is bad!

Okay, the Bad.  Bad guys from fiery Hathora catch up with them one day, and I’d like to note the way the Hathors were “beamed”, backlit by red lighting amidst smoke and jagged rocks?  Very nice.  Rakeem is killed, of course, by Haggord? Haggard?  Hmmm, could it be the writer’s been mining her Peter S. Beagle?  Haggard notes the tattoo on Amihan’s nape before attempting to kill her.  The fairy kawals save the day.  Amihan’s returned to Dawn Zulueta by Dawn Zulueta’s kawals.  You’d think male actors would balk at being called warrior fairies, but that’s not the case here.  These are professional fairies.

Still with me?  Okay.

Next is the lowdown on the three other fairy daughters.  Sunshine Dizon  plays first-born Pirena (fire), who totally screams her lines and is prone to hacking and heaving for dramatic effect; sometimes it looks like she’s on the verge of a seizure.  She can morph to look like other people, like Mystique.  Slashing double blades, she is hinted to be fathered by Haggard.  Haggard (Pen Medina) is the leader of the Hathors who killed Amihan’s dad. 

There’s water elemental Alena (Karylle), the third sanggre who can sing her foes to death.  That’s not a typo, the goons really fall fall down dead after a few bars of gibberish.  She’s a capable fighter except when her opponent is totally flirting with her, as some guy called Ibarro (Dingdong Dantes) did.  They tried this Han Solo-Princess Leia thing that would’ve worked if only they could act and work on the timing of when to thrust and parry. Officially Alena uses a spear for battle.  She’s completely useless with the arnis during Ibarro’s pseudo-ambush in her bedroom.  Use the Force, Alena.  Use the Force!

Lastly, there’s Danaya (earth sanggre), who’s not that developed a character yet.  She’s a healer, and wears this interesting looking headpiece of twigs for formal wear.  In action she dons leaves and leather stuff worthy to display Diana Zubiri’s famous FHM charms… it seems the writer has been mining her mythology as well.  Danaya wields a pair of arnis clubs.

Following my fascination with the Marvel Jim Lee, Flair, and Fleer stat cards, I pick all sanggres except Alena, and Haggard for my basic virtual deck.  Alena can’t convincingly fight worth a damn so I think that spikey tilapia-inspired shield design is so wasted on her.  She should’ve been the one stuck with Amihan’s feathers.  Amihan is supposed to be the most seasoned fighter, but she’s prone to annoying weepiness, durnit.  Lesson Two to the masses:  good guys must be living doormats; to be otherwise would make one a kontrabida… just look at those uncouth Survivor contestants!  Amihan’s gear lacks the organic effect seen on the three other sanggre gears.  Her armor looks okay, I guess… but with bad lighting, she looks like a bibe.

So the deal was, Queen Dawn wanted somebody to succeed her already because she wants to retire early from taking care of Encantadia’s four elemental jewels of power.  Hence a contest to test which daughter is the one worthy to be queen.  Pirena thinks because she’s the eldest, she should be the next in line.  But then she overheard Dawn telling the little person she fears Pirena becoming queen because of her “bad blood”.  So she snaps.  See those tanned neck muscles flex. 

Dawn’s fighting getup looks like those of ancient Japanese lone swordsmen, also inspired by Ninja Kids.  Her action double looks like a white-robed-and-hooded masked Dementor with a huge salakot.  So anyway, Amihan, who grew up to resemble Iza Calzado, wins the Quaddiwata Tournament.  Naturally, Pirena thinks the contest was rigged.  She challenges the queen’s decision through a spurned sanggre duel, and Dawn gets injured.  The three other sisters band together to bring Pyrie down.  Pirena steals the jewel of Fire and then crosses over to the dreaded lands of Hathor to seek Haggard’s help to plot against everybody.

Anyway, Alena the water elemental draws the attention of a roguish heir to a vagabond warrior clan, Ibarro — people, if you have any heart, please don’t name your baby Ibarro.  I don’t care if that’s a proper sounding name.  It’s funny how Dingdong Dantes always manage to get stuck playing characters with some of the weirdest sounding, deviated-from-Spanish names on Philippine TV… then again this is the guy whose real name is Sixto, and is known as Dingdong to his friends and fans.  Ibarro should be a piece of cake. 

Ibarro sports an Episode II Anakin Skywalker’s hairdo.  After several scenes of not-so-witty repartee, Alena falls in love.  Lesson Three to the masses: it doesn’t matter if your backgrounds are different; royalty chicks and foxes fall in love with poor riff-raff alla time.

You know, there’s this scene where Ibarro fell down during battle, so Alena was like, “Ibarro!  Ibarro!  Speak to me!”  Of course Ibarro was just playing possum.  There were several scenes after that, then we cut back to Ibarro and Alena, now being all mushy, and she’s bewildered and utters, “I don’t understand (this feeling I just can’t hide)… I don’t even know your name!”  This after a just couple of commercials?  BIG HINT that this love affair is doomed.  Ibarro replies to the lass with, “Ibarro!  I am called Ibarro, love of my life.  Future mother of my children!”  Aww.  GMA 7, you try hard and this stuff is inspiring for we who eventually grew out of dreaming of producing a D&D project, so please fire the editor of this show.

Then Pirena, aided by Haggard and his minions, attacks Lireo.  Her three sisters spread out, leading their most able kawals.  Amihan lets out this scary-funny war cry upon sighting the enemy.  Pirena and Haggard tag team on Amihan, who’s naturally so incensed with Haggard, ’cause he killed her father and all.  She was spouting in standard Inigo Montoya when Pirena slashes a mean one on Amihan’s back!  Then Haggard stabs her in the gut!  Will she die?  Of course not, this is only the fifth episode.

Danaya drags her back to the castle and heals her.  Queen Dawn Zulueta hears of it and philosophically decrees that as soon as she recuperates, Amihan should now concentrate on breeding so the next time she gets mugged, Encantadia will not want for an heir.  Nice logic there, Queen Dawn.  Attaway to solve this political crisis.  And you wonder why Haggard is rebelling?  Bathala save the queen. 

Inang Reyna then asks holy Bathala for help and Bathala sends a butterfly thingy to find the perfect sperm donor for Amihan.  Pan to scene where Alena stole off to see Ibarro and tell him she’s… wow, totally diggin’ on him.  And the butterfly lands on his shoulder!  Shall we buy a new guitar?  Sing the songs of Air Supply? 

Lots of people may diss Pirena or Haggard after this episode, but I am not fooled. It’s Queen Dawn who messed up everything. She was tactless to gossip about her daughters by different men! And do you mean to say Bathala’s butterfly chose guys like Haggard for stud duties, too?  And they live apart?  And where are the other studs?  Does she have a networked harem?  I don’t understand this consort method thing.  Everybody should just follow Pirena’s lead and chop off Queen Dawn’s head so unity will be restored. 

I expected better from Amihan, a warrior fairy who’s supposed to have witnessed the cruel death of a parent; Iza Calzado’s got classic, regal features, but Amihan should be played something like Maskman‘s Igamu.  But no.  The writers seem to have destined her to be a clone of her highly logical Inang Reyna.  That scary warrior facial contortion’s misled us, y’all.  Wimp.

Aargh!  The commercials showed Star Struck finalists in contemporary clothes for future episodes! 

I know, lots of marionette acting, obvious blocking and sloppy editing.  BUT it’s got nice props.  The animatronic little man looks like the 80s Dungeon Master and has the Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles’ digits.  There’s this creature that looks like a malnourished Luck Dragon.  And midgets that look like Ewok-R2D2 crossbreeds.  And the lines? Priceless!  I barely got over the live micro-organisms commercial and now we have Nancy Castiglione, who plays an earnestly Tagalized Tinkerbell with an American accent, screaming, “Nah-SAHN na ang EE-nang Ray-NAH?!”.  Hee.  Encantadians even speak Kinda-Sorta-Elvish complete with subtitles.  Pen Medina, who plays Haggard, kicks ass with Egyptian-inspired kohl eye makeup and the standard GMA 7 villains’ yellow contact lenses.  I wish I could wear those to work.

I may stick around to see how this one turns out.

This show begins and ends with a CG storybook window.  It is rated PG, contains competent D&D fashion statements, scenes of beachside battles, extremely tanned characters due to the beachside shooting location, slo-mo battle choreography, disregard for children’s education, very clumsy courtships, computer-generated blood as befitting to sanggres, shameless hoodwinking, and lead characters so gullible, you’ll root for Sunshine Dizon to run amok and kill everybody already.